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tendollabill
26 June 2011 @ 12:09 am
I've got memories I want to hold
But I've lost myself and I'm feeling cold
You used to anchor me down
but my head's up in the clouds now.
Can't see where I'm going, and maybe I won't stop at all.

My wounds have almost fully healed, but if you pick at them for long enough, the pain comes rushing back, like a heavy wave washing over me. Now I'm on my knees, body trembling and muscles threatening to buckle me over at any second. And at this point, it's raining so hard I don't even know if these are droplets of rain or tears. The scent of nostalgia lingers hauntingly around me, re-captivating but stabbing at my heart. I liked how we used to be, simple, innocent, ignorant and naive, but very sweet.

As my knees dig deeper into the cement, I realise what mother said to me as a child holds true, repeated picking of the wounds results in unsightly scars. But I continue to, most of the time a trigger will come by and scrape at it while it's healing. I'd be back to square one. Now I look at the scar he's left, I see how it could have been almost invisible but how it's permanent and prominent thanks to me. The scar however, will always represent a fight, a battle within myself. People will listen to me and pick up I'm pretty scarred, but I'll tell them something no one else taught me "I did it all for love."

That's right, I hurt, I'm pained and I've to heal because of love.
It's a safe dose of masochism is it not?
 
 
Current Mood: artistic
 
 
tendollabill
20 April 2011 @ 01:12 am
Neglected is this blog, the idea that all depressing posts be posted here instead. Neglected are the friendships we take for granted, neglected, according to him, was I.

Neglected is the heart which once used to beat regularly, neglected is the heart which used to be unbruised but now is scarred and unsightly. It's flawlessness posed as a target for wounding. Time after time, I've picked myself up and said "Why should I be sad?"

I'll be sad, it'll hurt like someone ripped your heart out. Then I'll be selfish and then, I'll be pissed.
But tonight I'm not going to be selfish, nor am I going to be pissed. I'm going to find the respect for myself and stand up to say "Why should I be sad?". The process is quicker now. Why should this affect me? Why should I let it affect me? No anger, no tears, no resentment. I'm tired of this bullshit affecting my life.


This is the second entry I've made tonight, but I've kept them on separate blogs just because I prefer to keep it to one post per sesh.

Don't let your guard down, don't let your guard down, you let it down because you're just human.
I'm not going to change. I'm not going to change because of this one incident. Because there are exceptions to be made and this is my exception. He came into my life and we both felt something for each other, but because life interferes, we couldn't speak on that. I don't know it seems like the timing was completely wrong. Was it the earthquake? Maybe. Was it because he was looking for a formal date? Maybe. If factor number two was the reason then that could have been prevented maybe? But if factor one was the reason then we can't do anything about that.

These two factors.. and possibly many more caused this to happen. And I'm not blaming this on anybody because playing the blaming game is so tiring, and I'm just exhausted.

Factor number one, caused the most impact. I'm going to say I jinxed it because I said I didn't feel anything because it didn't really affect me much. Well it's affected me, but I only found out now. It pushed away my friendship. It distanced me from a good friend, and I lost him to school. I lost the usual him to school and his usual self now lays somewhere dead under the rubble of this disaster. It came down on us, we both walked free, and I thought I had him because he was ok, but really, time showed me I lost the old him, through this quake.
How did the earthquake affect me?
It broke my heart.

I'm done mourning the loss, and I said goodbye to the old him, the one that still liked me :). I said goodbye to him and I saw him in my mind this morning. I cried reminiscing the better times, wanting to kiss him goodbye.

I'm not as jealous as I should be, because I never had him? Yeah but also because well, I'm grateful I spent time with the best of him. If he says he's mature now, then he's mature with her? Unless he's faking it and not acting him(his new)self.

I didn't really have have, but I spent time with the best of him. I like that.

But is it fair? The earthquake took aways lives and loved ones. Yeah it took away the person I really liked for the first time in my life. It's not fair is it? I never asked for much than what could be given and gave back what I could offer. Now I'm having to pay for this? I was just a girl falling for someone but not speaking about because it'll cause pain. I've caused almost no one pain but myself in the end.

I've lost a personality, a potential boyfriend, and a friendship.

I destroyed the little that remained, I destroyed it for the sake of love finally. It was like I pulled back so much that it had to rebound, and it rebounded strongly because of the buildup. I destroyed everything I was trying to protect. I had it coming more or less anyway, so wouldn't it be better that I destroyed it?

Wouldn't the outcome be the same anyway? One less person has to suffer now because nobody spoke of those feelings.

In a way, he saved himself. I kept going with all the bravado that had been built up and tried to save myself when it was too late to. The damage has been dealt.

This was going to be fucked over anyway. It was doomed anyway.

So, why should I be sad? Why should I feel bad anymore? Why should I cry for someone that doesn't exist anymore? Why should I know about their relationship? It is none of my business and I have no right.
What if I found out anyway? It's useless information that I'll only use against myself, making me feel shit.

Why should I be upset anymore? Why?
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Current Mood: determined
 
 
tendollabill
27 March 2011 @ 12:32 am
I'm not ok.
This isn't me.
I'm protecting myself from something?
But I feel indifferent and numb, uncaring and withdrawn.
Usually I respond to happenings in life, my thoughts. My emotions colour my mind, very very richly.
But I feel nothing. Maybe I want to cry, maybe I want to scream but really it's so foreign for me to be this way. I'm not sure I enjoy it, if there's motivation, it's always fueled by my emotions.

If I'm motivated, and I fail.. the failure screams so loud and it hurts. How can I not care anymore? That means I can't compete? I don't even know.
If the lights are going out now.. and the colour is draining, would you come and be my light in the dark?
Would you come and colour my world again?

Would you..?
 
 
tendollabill
04 February 2011 @ 12:11 am
I'm not sure what I am to you, and if I'm something more, I don't want to know.
It'd be cruel of me to acknowledge those feelings but not do anything about them, and act like I don't know.

I'm sorry, if you have been led on. I dunno if I can reverse things, but I'll try to
 
 
tendollabill
14 December 2010 @ 11:40 pm
Do you know.. do you know that when everyone looks down on you, when everyone looks down on you and you're a petty mess, you feel so small and so worthless.
I... I don't even need to hear the words, I don't even need to see any expression of disapproval. The silence screams louder than any human voice will, any conscious voice will. And it will ring in your mind.

Life, life for me used to be a competition, where I must come first. Where I must succeed in everything. I was going insane, I was very sensitive. I aimed for Excellence, for only Excellence. Life was difficult and I found it hard to find fulfillment in anything else. And for love, for happiness I suddenly stopped.
No longer was my frame tense, no longer were my tears shed because of criticism, they were shed for love. My love, if it can be called love.

It's different. A different perspective. Maybe I'm not the best, and I didn't get the best score, but I'm so happy... well I have times where it hurts like hell, but it's better than relying on an alphabetical letter to provide some short-lived comfort.

I'll miss you. I will.
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Current Mood: draineddrained
 
 
 
tendollabill
08 November 2010 @ 07:06 pm
I'm more or less down... the days are becoming more and more dreadful. I wake up at 6am waiting for the time to pass... just pass on without me. I wanted it to just take my body and shut out the consciousness in all of me, just for 6 hours, just so I don't have to face anyone.

What if...
Just what if...
You're not with anyone, yet you still have the ability to crush my heart. Are you happy? Are you satisfied? Are you happy that you've made a girl shed too many tears for your sake? Are you content with the fact you're stepping over her heart like it's a straight path set out for your feet? Are you finally happy?

Why am I so stupid.. so stupid for letting myself fall for you? I'm now left standing around waiting for something to happen.
This same tune keeps getting played over and over. Again.. I'll wait for you you flow into somebody else's arms.

Fuck. This
 
 
tendollabill
04 August 2010 @ 04:20 pm
I'm having quiet thoughts
and I'm straying away from them
The delicate intricacies
Drip dropped right in front of me

I put out my hand
and they settle right in
Now I can clearly see
Where I want to be

If you could give me a note pad
A stick in the sand
I'd write my honest words to you
My dear and honest words to you
If you could give me one way
To say all the things I want to say
I'd write my honest words to you
My true and honest words to you

I've found myself drifting
Dreaming again oh amongst these clouds
I can hear myself saying
Words that never get spoken

This time I can't hear the rain
This time I can't feel the pain
It's alright still
Alright still, still falling for you
 
 
tendollabill
14 July 2010 @ 11:49 am
Feels quite pitiful, seems that way too. It's stupid how scared to death I am, but how exciting it seems too. 
I like him. I like him a lot, and it's quite sad that fact that I've never talked to him in real life but.. I've talked to him on facebook. Everything he says is glorified 10 times by me! 
Pathetic. How I'd look at the people online, stare at his name and hope he's at the computer, hope he is there, hope it'll pop up with message saying "Hey" from him. And it's pathetic how, if he is offline.. I'd be saddened, I'd care about that when it's him, more than anyone else.

I used to say "He wasn't online :(" to others and hang in disappointment but really...? Really? Sounds quite silly right?
My logical side won't mingle with my emotional side with serenity, but only with warship and dispute. 
I feel he may be far too good for me,that he won't even look at me. I'm not delusional about him either, he is genuinely kind and handsome, that combo that would, and do, catch many girls off guard.

So what if I've talked to him? I'm still quite unknown to him.

My pathetic liking for him, my stupid attempts to interact with him. It's all part of the daze, the dream, the process... and this is what I dreaded... falling for him...but you know what? With him, I can't turn back. I let my logic go, and let my emotions run, but it's crazy when that happens, so I'm trying to combine my logic, my reasoning and my emotions together. I'm scared of losing control.
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
tendollabill
11 July 2010 @ 01:03 am
I don't think I should say this
I don't think I should be thinking it either
Didn't want it to be
I just wanted to make it easy
Easy for me to get on
Easy for me to focus
But there you are.

Why was it so hard to not fall for you?
Why is it that you're so good, maybe too good to be true?

I'm pretty sure I like you.
I like you a lot
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Current Mood: curiouscurious
 
 
tendollabill
11 March 2010 @ 06:52 pm
Vocal lessons are a little too short. I think I need more time to learn how to do things.

School has been crazy. Math is utterly useless, CIS.. oh yeah.. works a charm! NO.
Science has been.. just the usual, Social Studies has been just really boring.

Art is fine and English as well.

I don't know what happened. I never used to loathe Math as much as I do now, and Surely CIS was more fun!
What happened to Social Studies? UGH

It's a little rant, probably meaningless right now. I guess I'm being impatient; I want to get going and do some real work!
 
 
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent